So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
