doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
