I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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