Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize