Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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