I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
