Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you had me at cake vodka
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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