speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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