I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
