Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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