I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
