lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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