matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
