I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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