Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
