Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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