Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
