Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
