Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
