when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
