My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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