What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
