And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
