That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
