Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My bed smells like the plague
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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