I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
