How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We left the knife in your bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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