So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
