I wish I could teleport
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
