some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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