I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
