I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
