i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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