A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
