I want to walk on stilts...naked
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
