I just saw a hot homeless man
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
