i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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