I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
