fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
