I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
