I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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