There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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