I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
