life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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