Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
