I molested 6 butterflies tonight
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
smell my finger.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How external is "for external use only"?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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