Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
