Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
