i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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