i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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