I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
