we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
