I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we're making bets on your personal life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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