You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
