I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
this is an emotional support booty call
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
