Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
