I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
