I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
