If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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