The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
