I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
