Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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