...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
