Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
