It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
