i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
