Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
